just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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