I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
