Umm I'm too high to move.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
