What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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