I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
