I think my fart just growled at me.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
