I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
is wine microwaveable?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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