If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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