I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
