in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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