She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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