Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
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Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS