if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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