I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
