You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dignity is for republicans.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he laminated a picture of his dick.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
