M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
