just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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