so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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