Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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