I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
