Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
