FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize