So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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