Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
