i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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