I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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