my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
