I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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