i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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