Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
