I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up under a house in Key West
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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