I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
