this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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