You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
