I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
