When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dating After Heartbreak
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that