my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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