i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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