Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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