2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Maybe he injected his testicle?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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