actually, I'm a sock model
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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