You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
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It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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