she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
