i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
