She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize