Dignity is for republicans.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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