In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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