you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
