I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Two words: blizzard sex
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.