even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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