We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!