I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
