If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
