everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
