He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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