I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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