True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
